I've come to realize that I am going to go insane if I don't make a decision.
Oophorectomy or no oophorectomy, that is the question.
To manage my indecision without losing my mind, I have resolved upon the following new rules:
1. I will go to see a new doctor on September 8th. She is also a super-specialized gynecologist/oncologist/surgeon but she is also (a) a woman, and (b) in private practice. In advance of meeting her, I will simply call her The Babe. From the photo accompanying the bio on her website, I can see that in addition to an array of fancy degrees and highly impressive publications to her credit, she is also a member of the Cougar/MILF Society. I don't expect to hear anything substantively different from her but I am hoping that I take more of a "liking" to her than I did to Dr. I-Don't-Want-To-Scare-You-But. (Perhaps she has a a greater appreciation for female vanity and fear of aging???) I liked Dr. Statistics better (he is the medical oncologist at CancersRUs and very knowledgeable about BRCA issues) but he is not a surgeon and I do not see the point of having more than one BRCA doctor. If I want ongoing surveillance then The Babe can do it and if I opt for surgery, she can do that too. If I "like" her, then she will be my new BRCA doctor. If I don't, then I'll go back to Dr. Lucky and stick it out with her until I decide definitely on surgery. In any event, I won't be returning to CancersRUs and I won't be looking for any more doctors. I've had it. Enough is enough.
2. At my meeting with The Babe on September 8th, one of two things is going to happen: Either (a) I will walk out of her office with a date set for the surgery, or (b) I will table the decision for oophorectomy for a period of three months, i.e., for the next three months I will banish every thought of the notion and I will return to it in December. Dealing with the passage of time in three month increments seems like a reasonable approach to preserve any semblence of sanity and any illusion that my life can be about something other than BRCA. At the same time, obligating myself to take up the burden again in three months proves that I am most definitely not in "denial", burying my head in the sand or trying to pretend like the problem does not exist.
Sounds like a plan.
I have obligated myself to either decide or to decide not to decide.
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